The Truth Behind

Posted by on November 14, 2013



“Yo Mel! I know you don’t have many friends and still don’t have a girlfriend  and also stay home most of the time so I’ve got the perfect site for you,”. That’s (roughly) what Middy said to me a week ago and I was admittedly intrigued. The thought of meeting a girl who loves Avicii, Zedd, Calvin Harris, Alesso, and that one Swedish House Mafia song as much I really got me going! Could I even find a girl like that at school?  Not a chance! I was stirring at the opportunity to sign up and finally get a gf at last! I figured it would be a bit of work though and I was already pretty tired, just had a piece of cheesecake ya know (super filling), so I took a nap. I woke up in a different state of mind however. Do I really want to look for love online? I don’t know, that’s what losers do… What about if things go well so we decide to meet up somewhere and it turns out we actually have a great time. We laugh and tell stories, spend the night telling each other about our childhood and what not. I then pay for dinner, drive her home, and she lies in bed thinking about me. I, on the other hand, lie in bed and cry because she has Megan Fox thumbs and a slightly askew left eyebrow so I have no other choice but to never talk to her again. There were many similar questions buzzing around in my head so I was unsure as to whether or not I wanted to go through with it. A sticky stomach and a shameful shower later, it was time to get to work.


So… I did it. I signed up and attempted to get a date. Does this EDM exclusive dating site actually provide people with a chance to find love with likeminded individuals or was it all a waste of time? Read on to find out.



The first thing it had me do was enter a username and password, my actual name, email, and then some common things that you might want to know about somebody you’re thinking about dating, like their profession and such. A picture of my finished form is below.


mild erection

I quickly realized that this is an American only site and I am not American. I’m from Vancouver, but I’ve gone to Seattle a couple times so I just said I was from there in case things work out and we actually decide to meet. You may have noticed that, under “sexuality”, I put “Bi”. I am not, but I did that to see how accepting the community of the site would be. Throughout my time on the site, I would try and score some dudes and you will see how well that goes for me. Other than that, everything I filled in there is pretty much all correct, except for the fact that I am not Jewish. I thought it would be funny though so I said that I was.


I was then prompted to describe myself, so I did.


4 inches



I sold myself as best I could. I gave a broad age gap because I wanted to see the ages of the average user. Most people were between 19 and 26, in case you were wondering.


Here comes the tough part, the picture. I didn’t want to use a pre-existing picture of me because I don’t really have many recent ones. In fact, my Facebook profile picture is still the same as it was in my senior year of high school. I knew one day it would come to this and I would have to show my face so here it goes. This is the big reveal guys. For those of you who have always wondered what I looked like, here you go.

i bought my sister uggs 4 her birthday

After my grandmother took the picture for me in my garage and went back to make the sixth carrot cake she’s made since she’s been here even though I hate carrot cake, I realized that I might have been standing a little too far away from the camera. Once I actually saw the picture, I came to see that I was also way too far to the side. She pretty much took a poorly lit picture of my sister’s car with the back half of my car and I making a cameo appearance. I didn’t want to ask her again and was already somewhat apathetic as to the profile picture since I honestly just don’t really care about a lot of things that happen around me. I figured I could talk my way into most people’s hearts if need be anyway. The brilliant idea came to me to just crop all the stupid stuff out of the picture and it’ll be fine, so I did.




Now that’s a profile pic!


I uploaded that bad boy and a day later I was sent an email saying my account was live! Here is my profile in all its glory!


my profile


It was now time to start looking for potential gf’s. My first search was in the Washington area and there was only one girl listed. Below is her profile and the message I sent her.


Screen Shot 2013-11-12 at 3.21.17 PM

i was not attracted to her


Looking back on it, I think I came on a little too strong. I was not used to “pitching woo” as they call it so I was admittedly a little rusty. It doesn’t matter though because she was just the warm up anyway. I figured it was now time to look for a girl who actually interests me slightly, so I started flipping through some profiles in different areas and came across an Alexandra from Michigan. Our correspondants are below.


6.8/10 maybe im pretty sure the waitress gave me a face yesterday


After some time  had passed and I lacked a reply, it was becoming increasingly clear that I had no idea what I was doing. I was obviously going wrong somewhere but I just wasn’t sure what needed to change. My confidence was at an all time low at this point.


But wait a second.. The solution to my problem was an easy one! I knew what needed to be done to bring my confidence back up and I firmly believed I was capable of pulling it off. All I had to do was seduce a man! I could get back on track with an easy success while at the same time finding out how open and accepting the site’s community was. Luckily for me, the first result in the Texas region happened to be of a homosexual black man. I put an immense amount of thought into what it seemed like a man would want in another man and once I had it figured out, I gave it my best shot and sent him a message.

gay black guy

i honestly thought this would work

And again, no reply. I was crushed.

Sooooo, I waited. I waited for two whole days before I gained the courage to give it one last shot with one last girl. My mind was fixated on how good of a show Kourtney and Kim Take New York was so I decided to peruse the profiles in New York. Boy, am I glad I did that. I found the perfect girl! She is legitimately pretty and also kind of short which, as my hockey coach when I was 9 years old always said,  is good because it feels bigger to them or something! Before I messaged her, I really wanted to think this one through. I needed to be as charming as I possibly could to impress her and make her want to be with me. This was how it played out.

i would totally do her

this actually happened

No reply  🙁


I sat there for quite some time in a state of dismay rereading that message. I gave it my all and it was still not good enough. To me, that message is perfect.


My heart was broken and I vowed never to return to the site.  I obviously came back to the site but this time, I didn’t hold back. I started telling random people what I really thought of them.

my room is so fcking hot right now


And with that, my time on was over. The whole experience was an overwhelming failure and I feel as though my life is now much worse having gone through all of that. I do not recommend anybody sign up for the site. It is hard to determine if the site’s community is poor or just non-existant. Nobody replies to anything. It seems as though everybody made an account for fun and then never checked it again. I have a newfound compassion for people who have to look for love online because that was just awful. The site is a joke. Please, nobody ever visit it.



In the end though, I always knew it wouldn’t work out. There will only ever be one girl for me…




judge fucking judy


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