The Two Friends Coach Me Through A Kiss Cam With A Committed Woman, Finish A 50 Shades Of Grey Excerpt And More

Posted by Mel on January 14, 2014

The year was 2008. The month was September. It was a brisk Monday morning. The air was thin and the women were thick. A young Matt Halper emerges from his slumber to once again find sentience in his willy after almost a fortnight without. “Ya swooned me bro” he says as he looks across the room at the bottle of Vaseline he sometimes uses. After a quick shower and a thorough application of Old Spice body spray across his unimpressive body, he headed off to school. It was the first day of the school year and he had just moved from the great state of Wyoming to the northeastern region of Guatemala so he was a tad worried that there wouldn’t be any cute girls there, let alone white people. His slightly racist worries were soon cast aside however when on his way to school, he was kidnapped and held for ransom by a middle aged caucasian woman. She didn’t have a weapon or anything, she just simply overpowered him.

Days became weeks and the weeks peaked at three. On the third week of his capture there was a breakthrough. The woman who had intended to hold him for a ransom changed her mind when she realized he was not a very attractive guy so nobody would really care enough to pay a sizable fund for his release, so she just forgot about him. The unexpected demise of Matt Halper was seemingly inevitable at this point and after being trapped in a dark room for weeks, he had just about given up all hope. That is until he heard the undoing of the lock and the door abruptly open. “Here, take this and come with me” a mysterious hooded person said as they tossed him a small cylindrical thing. Matt and his saviour ran through the door only to be confronted by the woman, who was in fact Darth Vader. It was only then that he looked down and realized what it was he was holding. Matt drew his lightsaber and in tandem with the hooded man, began combat with the Sith Lord. They defeated him swiftly and got on the first flight back to America. They were sitting on the plane when Matt broke the silence, looked at his saviour and asked “who are you?”. “The name’s Eli, Eli Manning”.

And that’s the story of how Matt Halper and Eli Sones, known collectively as The Two Friends met. We had a chance to talk to them about mostly non-music related things and it got pretty heated (they insulted my sister but then said jk so I let it slide). Read on for the interview.

FNT: I’m about 5, maybe 5 and a quarter on a good day. I don’t measure though cause I just know it’ll be filled with disappointment. If a guy just recently started seeing a girl, during which date (first, second, etc) and at which moment of said date does he lean in and go for the first kiss?

T2F: We actually just added to our rider that the promoters of any gigs have to measure us before the show. We then ask for a spreadsheet of the measurements of the last five performers at that venue to try to build up our confidence, but unfortunately, most times, it does the opposite. Let me just tell you, DJ Snake doesn’t only have a snake in his name… And when they say Martin Garrix is seventeen, they are talking about inches… In terms of kissing, our second grade reading teacher used to say, “If it’s not happening naturally on the date, ask if they are interested in a game of one-on-one Spin The Bottle.” Hasn’t worked yet, but like our reading teacher also used to say, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” We HATE the game.

FNT: All three of us are going to collaborate on a 50 Shades Of Grey excerpt. I will write the first part, and I want you guys to finish the scene:

Yeah so I walked through the door to my house after doing some mad reps at the gym and my babe was just chillin on the couch. “Yo babe, whataya doin there?” I asked. “Oh just waiting for you sweety :)” she said with a playful smile. “Alright that’s cool that’s cool yeah I’m just going to go flip on Sportscenter see if the Mets won ya know”. “But I waited for you!” she complained. “OMG who the hell cares what do you want?” I questioned. “Fine then, if you’re going to be a jerk about it then just go watch your stupid Sportscenter” she said retardedly. I then went to go watch Sportscenter.

After five minutes or so, right before they got to the top 10, I saw somebody in the corner of my eye and it startled me. Turned out to be my babe. “Yo babe, you freaked me out!” I exclaimed. She then takes the remote, turns off the TV, and looks deep into my eyes…

T2F: And she says “Babe, stop paying so much attention to Scott Van Pelt. I want to pay attention to your Scott Van Penis.”

FNT: Personally, I feel like Taylor Swift’s cuteness level started high around 2009 but then slowly regressed every year until this one in which it climbed back up and matched, maybe even passed that of 2009. What are each of your fondest memories from high school?

Eli: One time Matt was singing for the entire high school at an assembly and I laughed. Also, when he was six he slipped in the bathroom as he was about to get in the tub and he accidentally peed in his own mouth. For real.

Matt: I loved the academic challenge. Getting to explore different facets of the human experience in such a supportive environment really left me fulfilled and zealous for more. Emily Dickinson once said that the brain is wider than the sky and deeper than the sea, but the way I see it, I actually like playing sports with friends.

FNT: I was talking to my sister about you guys and she obviously had no idea who you were and that got me thinking, what’s the deal with the piano during the drop in “Sedated”?

T2F: That’s funny about your sister cuz she didn’t mention that the other night. Well, we actually were never with her, but we were hanging with Hardwell and he mentioned her in passing. “6/10, would hit.” What’s with the piano on your face?

didn’t even answer the question there guys… though while we’re on the topic of my sister, I suppose I should mention that you’re kinda right.

FNT: Why, in your guys’ opinion, do I not have a girlfriend?

T2F: Probably cuz you give off a vibe that you don’t care about anything or anyone but deep down we know you have a sensitive side and all you have to do is show the world. In fact, a direct quote from you in our e-mail exchange was “I don’t even really care about anything very much. I suppose that’s why I’ve never truly loved somebody” (Mel, E-Mail #5, 1/8/14). Also probably has to do with the fact that you ended your initial e-mail to us with the following passage: “If you guys do want to do it [the interview] there is a working Brazzers account in it for you. Be warned though, that bald white guy is in pretty much every video so he kinda ruins it. I’m more of a girl-girl guy though myself so it works out pretty well for me” (Mel, E-Mail #1, 12/10/13).

That is all true. I guess I need to work on myself before I can expect to truly become intimate again.

FNT: Have producers ventured too far into the world of pop music to the point that it is now one and the same as progressive house or is there still a distinct enough difference? For example, would you classify the radio edit of Swedish House Mafia’s “Don’t You Worry Child” as a pop track or a house one?

T2F: I guess we would call it a crossover track. It definitely has those pop vibes but it doesn’t have the negative connotation that “pop” usually entails for us. If we had to choose one or the other, we’d easily label it as a more of a house track. How’s your sister by the way?

She is 21 and currently dating a guy who is the same age as me so honestly, I don’t know. 

FNT: If one of you had to draw the other naked like Leonardo Dicaprio did to Rose in Titanic and the naked person had to, at the same time he was being drawn, call and manage to hold a phone conversation the entire time with the girl the drawer took to the prom but it’s like 3am on a Tuesday so you’ll be waking her up, who would do which?

T2F: Matt would probably be the draw-er cuz he’s really good. In fact, he could draw so well that in third grade he thought he was gay.

No offense, but just based off of all of our interactions, I will hand it to you he does seem gay.

FNT: I recently went to an NHL game and something crazy happened to me. It was more than half way through the game and everything was going well. I commonly go to games so I am typically cool as a cucumber. This time though, there was a good looking late 20 year old female sitting next to me. She was there with her boyfriend, but we would commonly (three times I believe it was) make humorous comments to one another. Were we flirting? Maybe, maybe. I don’t really know how to tell when a girl is flirting with me but I definitely felt something there no doubt about it. The big thing that happened between us took place right before the 2nd intermission. Her bf had left to go smoke or something idk so it was just the two of us (also my dad was sitting on the other side of me but I ignored him the entire time don’t worry about it). When the kiss cam started, she looked at me and said “if it shows us, let’s do it”.

Now, what exactly she meant by “do it” I do not know. Date? Intercourse? Kiss? I don’t know. Sadly, we were never shown on the kiss cam. So, I guess my question to you guys is, if we were shown, should I have done it? 

T2F: By the way, the previous answer is a Macklemore joke in cased you didn’t get it. Also, great job showing more of that sensitive side a little bit. Great start. First of all, when she said “Let’s do it,” it probably had something to do with that cucumber you mentioned. I would say it’s pretty obvious she wants to kiss, but also this a made-up story so it doesn’t matter what we think.

You sons of bitches. that story is actually true and it hurts me deeply that you think it isn’t. you also didn’t even answer the question again!! there is a reason The Chainsmokers are so popular and good looking and it is not because of you two i’ll tell you that right now. open your eyes boys.

FNT: Do you have any advice for guys who are moderately good looking and have hazel eyes that they sometimes, though not often get complimented on, but at the age of 19 still lack the ability to grow facial hair? Do they still have a chance at success in life or should they just give up now?

T2F: The phrase ‘success in life’ is pretty ambiguous, so while you might not be able to grow facial hair, at least you have a semi-hot sister.

I fail to see how that benefits me in any way

The next portion of this interview is short, easy answers.

Long and Hard with Mel:

FNT: Do you guys have to pee immediately afterwards as well or should I be going to a doctor?

 T2F: Wait, I’m confused. I’m assuming this has to do with sex, but do you have sex or not? You’ve been asking for advice about getting girls this entire interview.

I was talking about when you wake up in the morning.. but that is correct i do not have sex. “once in a blue moon” they say. it’s not that i can’t though i totally would i’m just way too busy. the door is open i’ve just got to swing the bat. and i asked like one question about getting girls you guys are exaggerating again like you always do. you two are just the worst

FNT: Which of you two is the better looking friend?

T2F: Eli has a big belly button, Matt has big teeth. You be the judge.

So you’re both disgusting is what you’re saying?

FNT: Kate Upton or my own mother?

T2F: While we would love to be your step-fathers (we could teach you so much about opening your heart to the world), Kate Upton.

FNT: A human of the female persuasion once said to me “my bosom heaves with the weight of your actions”. What does that mean?

T2F: Translation: When you hurt me, my tits hurt.

FNT: Do you guys think there is a reason cucumbers are shaped the way they are or is it just natural?

T2F: Does this have anything to do with that hockey game girl? Don’t let her get away, man. She’s a keeper. Also, to anyone who read this whole thing and is offended, we’re sorry. Mel made us do it. I promise we are nice.

Tags: body, date, drop, eyes, fnt, Guatemala, guy, house, Matt Halper, music, piano, ransom, reason, school, Sith Lord, Taylor, time, track, Two Friends, with me