An In depth Review of Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food”

Posted by Mel on October 15, 2013

It is not often a pop song strikes me in such a way that I can’t stop playing it or thinking about it. The last time it happened was a couple years ago with what will forever and always be my favorite song, “Payphone” by Maroon 5. I loved it upon first listen, but then one fateful night my adoration for it got intensified in a very big way. I was 17 years old and at a house party. I had my favorite snapback on backwards and was leaning against the wall drinking a diet Dr Pepper when I saw a guy and a girl leave the couch they were on to go upstairs together for some reason, so I made my move and snagged a seat on the couch. I was just chillen there on the couch… by myself… like always… when a girl came over and sat next to me. She said “heyy”, I said “sup”. “Why aren’t you drinking a beer” she asked. “Not a huge fan of the taste” I replied. She then handed me hers, urging me to try it. I did of course because that’s practically kissing which is practically dating which was a big deal for me at the time. “It’s alright I guess” I said as I handed it back to her. Now I don’t know whether or not it was by accident, but the series of events that followed were the without a doubt the highlight of my senior year.

She just looked at me and smiled. She did that for like 20 seconds. When she sat down she sat extremely close to me, our legs were practically touching, it was actually quite rude of her. She then got up and as she was doing so her hand touched my arm and part of my upper thigh region. It was also at that exact moment that “Payphone” came on. I sat there in a state of euphoria until the song finished. She was also wearing flip flops so it was especially hot. I wasn’t quite sure if what had just gone down had in fact gone down but I looked across the room and the Australian guy who kissed me on the cheek against my will in the second grade was standing there watching and he confirmed with a series of head nods that it did.

I never thought my love for Maroon 5’s “Payphone” could be matched, but then I heard this. Press play, watch the video and I can only hope you experience the high that Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” gave me. Once you check it out, click past the break to read my in depth review of perhaps the greatest pop song to come out all year.

The video starts off right with a confusing 15 seconds of a random Asian man speaking a random Asian language without subtitles. It then transitions to the girl herself, Alison Gold, walking down the sidewalk singing about how hungry she is after clubbing, even though she’s like 12, and subsequently how grumpy she is.  She even goes as far as to push a garbage can over which is just flat out rude. It is also here where we are introduced to the long running joke of the video, the subtitles. They are in a different language each time even though the song is in English. These guys are hilarious!!

Alison Gold, who I will now refer to as “Goldy Mcfoldy McHand Holdy” for simplicity sake, then notices a Chinese place across the street appropriately named “Chow”. She goes in and is greeted by another 12 year old behind the register which I am quite sure is highly illegal. The exploited child laborer then pretends to type stuff in as Gold dances around and points at stuff on the menu she likes.

Next up we see Gold sitting at a table by herself, which is totally unrealistic and also unsafe, while she continues describing things she likes to eat at a Chinese place. She even says she likes chicken wings which seems a tad strange because that is typically not found at a Chinese restaurant. This segment ends with the Asian man from the beginning of the video presenting a fortune cookie to her, which is just racist btw, and her opening it and it saying “you will find a new friend”. She then looks back for some reason and makes eye contact with a guy dressed in a panda suit (which is disrespectful in a restaurant) who coincidentally just opened his fortune cookie as well and it said “you will find a new friend too”.

She then dances around in a field with the creepy guy in the panda suit while she sings the chorus for 30 seconds. He tickles her and stuff which I mean, is kinda hot when you think about it. They laugh as she points to a bowl of soup in the sky and the scene ends.

Things then go from great to outstanding as we enter into the rap verse. The guy in the panda suit is hanging out with the little girl and her friends at, what one can only assume by the pyjama’s and loungewear is a sleepover when he finally removes his head, revealing the dude who also had a rap verse on Rebecca Black’s “Friday”. He then proceeds to throw down a sick ass verse, as per usual. He talks about playing Monopoly, eating Chinese food, something about sweet and sour sauce, and finally ends with how he’s going to go eat some Panda Express. The girls seemed to take much pleasure out of this.

We then go the chorus again for the big finale. 30 seconds of pure bliss. We also get to witness a pillow fight which my fellow guys will definitely find a liking to. I know I did.

Let’s quickly swing by the logistics side of things before the conclusion is drawn here. I am sure many of you were wondering wtf was up with that restaurant owner setting up the little girl with, what at the time was a random stranger in a panda suit. I have thought about this extensively and figured out what happened there. It’s actually quite obvious when you think about it.

The panda guy is a regular at the restaurant. The owner did not like the fact that he wore the suit but as most African-American men are, this guy was an excellent tipper. He would only get fried rice and chicken wings and still slide the place an extra 20 at the end of his meal. Because of his expert tipping, he gained the admiration and trust of the owner who would then look past the suit and accept him for who he is. Panda man was eating by himself inside the restaurant, like a complete loser, when he saw Goldy walk in all alone (as I said earlier this was very dangerous for a lady of her age). Well anyway, he liked what he saw so he slid the owner some extra cash and asked for the arrangement to be made. The owner obliged because he obviously doesn’t care about laws or the safety of children as evidenced by the fact that there is an underaged kid working as the cashier. Gold and the guy then chill for 20 minutes or so in the field and become good pals, enough so that she invites him to her sleepover. There are no plot holes in the video and once you actually think about it, the story flows quite nicely.

Hard. As. Hell. That’s what I was after my first listen and I’d be surprised if many people weren’t as well. I just love this song so much. It has everything. First thing’s first, Alison Gold is absolutely adorable. She looks so excited and happy which just adds to the cuteness (in a non-sexual way of course… I am single though). Next is the instrumental, which is good and the perfect compliment to a pop song. Onto the subject matter of the track: Chinese food. Sure, it’s out there, but is it really that stupid. Yes. Well, kind of. Is it worse than songs that are about being “higher than a motherfuc*er”? What about the 95% of songs that are about love and/or having sex with a random girl? Most pop music these days is pretty stupid and, for the most part, if you have a good beat and a catchy hook, which this song does, then a large majority of people won’t care what the subject matter is. Except in this case of course where people do care about it because it’s new and scary and not about Flo Rida being felated or staying up all night to get lucky.

Patrice Wilson is the mastermind behind Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and this as well. If people can’t see that his songs are a parody of how idiotic most pop music is then they are clearly not well versed in the world of music. To say this is a contender for “the worst song ever” is just moronic.  This is a well produced song, with a cute girl, a catchy chorus, and a rap verse lacking in substance…  Just like a lot of pop music is. The worst song ever is one that you will likely never hear and it will have been mixed and mastered terribly, has awful chords, bad structure, dreadful vocals, and will definitely not be catchy.

Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” is a stupid, yet fun and enjoyable song, making it an exceptional parody of modern pop music. People will talk about it and make fun of it, as they should, but to think that, because of the subject matter, it is one of the worst songs ever, then you, like my use of commas in this sentence, are absurd.

Tags: Alison Gold, beer, Dr Pepper, favorite, guy, house, love, matter, music, my favorite song, panda, rap, reason, series, song, stupid, time, verse, watch